World records are retarded

When I was a little young whippersnapper running around the streets of London I used to *love* world records. There was a Guinness World of Records museum type dealie at the Trocadero center which addled little brain enjoyed greatly. How innocent and unjaded I was. And stupid.

Alright yes yes, Olympic records are cool, they can stay, but what the hell is all this crap? There is now an international record breaking day?? Who decided that??? I'm so sick of people doing something retarded in an even MORE retarded way than people previously managed, and then becoming all slightly famous in a mentioned-briefly-in-the-newspaper kind of way. HINT: There's probably a reason nobody did it before. Because it's a huge pointless waste of time for you and me when I have to read about it:

• "Australian weather presenter Grant Denyer pulled on 18 pairs of underpants in 60 seconds"
• "New Zealander Keith Kolver broke the speed record for 'zorbing' - rolling downhill in a giant balloon."
• "In South Africa aspirants were hoping to break Cyprus' world record for a chain of 114,782 bras strung together."
• "In New York, Jackie Bibby crammed 10 live western diamondback rattlesnakes in his mouth."
• "In Canada scores of Michael Jackson fans were re-enacting Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' video."

Wow. Amazing. Lets [verb] the [superlative] [noun(s)] ever. Is anybody aware that you can think of pretty much infinity different ways to come up with something nobody has done before? Here are some world records I can do in the next five minutes right here at my desk:

• Raise and lower a wooden duck while mumbling "compost hunter" under my breath more times than anyone ever.
• Hold my breath while reading page 97 of Forbes magazine for the longest time ever contemplated by humanity or any aliens.
  
• With both hands at the same time draw the symbol that looks the most like the letter B but kind of like a camel ever in the entire history of the universe.
• Imagine more people called Tom Hodges-Muckling than anyone ever previously.

Now if I don't get mentioned on international news broadcasts and get some medals and shit I'm going to be well pissed, because I'm pretty sure I just set four world records. Bet you can't prove I'm wrong.